i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
