did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
