No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
