i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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