I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
