Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I skipped work to stalk him.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
