im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
