Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
