clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
