I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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