i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
