just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
