At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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