It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
