when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
