just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
