ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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