Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
