I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Still dying that you shit outside
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
