Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
