i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
