last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
