y did u give ur computer a hand job?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
