please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
