How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize