that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
