Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
