CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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