I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
