Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
