I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
My pussy is not your playground.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
