my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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