Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Randomize
