so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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