My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
