So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
