Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
