my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
