16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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