dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
