good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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