Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
