so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
