I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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