Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
