I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize