If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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