Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
