Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
