have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize