my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
