Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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