just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I supernannyed him into submission
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
