I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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