when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
someone owes me an orgasm
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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