he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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