ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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