I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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