Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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