so explain again why im purple
no
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Someone came in the potted fern
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
