I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
